North Dakota Avoid These Christmas Nightmares!
Thanksgiving has come and gone, which means some North Dakotan's are about to begin an exhausting gauntlet of avoiding these artists and songs all winter long.
Step aside Ghost of Christmas Past, George Michael has things covered. Way back in the late 1900's, 1984 to be specific, an unholy pact was signed with the release of Last Christmas. The song has since infected far too many commercials to count, let alone the airwaves.
First off, the gift of a human heart is at the very best macabre and at the very worst part of a ritual with a Lovecraftian horror.
Secondly, regifting said organ is just bad taste. Keep it in your closet and only bring it out like you do for your mother-in-law's gifts.
Should you find yourself victim to this ditty that should have been lost in the annals of time, treat liberally with a much better 80s Christmas song.
Emerging from his year-long slumber to torture the general public and titillate Chardonnay drinking, Han Solo cosplaying crowd is Michael Bublé. The crooner that appears to be plucked out of the Rat-Pack era sings his Christmas-themed siren songs to all that will hear.
We wish we hadn't met you at all, Mr. Bublé. Keep your quaffed hair and your dulcet tones far, far away. Although it will only be a matter of time before his CD's are removed from local coffee shops so Sara Bareillis can reclaim her rightful throne.
Instead of what amounts to little more than ambient grocery store music, place some RPM's in your holiday spirit.
And then there is the one who reigns supreme, with all the other holiday musicians genuflecting in her dominion.
Like a banshee's wail, the whistle notes of the Christmas witch cut through the air like an air raid warning.
As much as one may try, we all eventually succumb to Mariah Carey's All I Want For Christmas. Like Thanos, she, and it are inevitable. Absorbing the life force of the unsuspecting. There is not any proof that the song is not some sort of psychological warfare set upon the populace.
All I want for Christmas is for you, Ms. Carey, to go far, far away.
To combat this affront to all that is good and right in the world, there will have to be more than one alternative.
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Gallery Credit: Jess